The 4th Email That's Gonna Turn It All Around
I hope I don't fuck this up a fourth time.
Good morning, afternoon, and evening to everyone worldwide! I’ve been spending too much time at home after I was recently hit by a car while biking and have decided now is the PERFECT time to share something funny I wrote with my dear friend Rebecca Weiser. Rebecca and I are both standup comedians and writers in New York. We’ve co-hosted open mics and shows, been on shows that have ranged from amazing to awful, and built a beautiful friendship in all the moments in between.
Here’s a humor piece we wrote earlier this year:
Please Listen Carefully as Our Menu Options Have Changed (Something Bad Just Happened) By Brandon Follick and Rebecca Weiser
Hello! Thank you for calling Crown Family Dentists. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed due to the fact that something bad just happened. We acknowledge for years we’ve been casually fibbing that the prompts changed so you would perk your ears up and actually listen, but we’re serious this time. Something bad just happened.
If you know your party’s extension or you’re their emergency contact returning our call, you may dial it at any time.
For this menu in English, please press 1. Para español, oprima número dos. “¡Ay, Dios mío, esto es terrible!”
Your call will be recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, depending on if that’s something we can take on right now. Our plate is pretty full.
To schedule a new appointment, or view an existing appointment, please press 3. Please note: all appointments are cancelled until further notice. This is something our favorite hygienist Suzanna used to handle, but doctors say she'll never sit in front of a computer again.
For hours of operation, Google it. We are not in the mood.
Do not press 4.
If this is a dental emergency, which we really should have asked earlier, but forgot, please hang up and dial 911.
To speak with what’s left of the Front Desk, please press 5. But before you do, ask yourself, is now really the time? Now? After our favorite hygienist, Suzanna, just returned from São Paulo along with an amazing (and frankly speaking, too big) BBL? The same BBL that knocked over our huge nitrous oxide tank, and exposed staff, patients, and several exotic-yet-illegal fish in the aquarium to laughing gas? Yeah, we didn’t think so either.
If you want us to dig up your dental records through the rubble, please press 6.
To find another dentist because frankly, we’ve given up, please hang up and go for a walk.
Do NOT press 4. We’re so serious.
For questions about billing, please press 7. And, as we enter the final triad of our menu options, how are your teeth doing? Any new pain in the last six months? Asking not because we can take on new work, but because asking is what Suzanna would have wanted.
For thoughts and prayers, please press 8. We need them now more than ever. The nitrous oxide exposure caused everyone to have moderate-to-severe giggles, Dr. Crown to sustain a painful and endless erection, and Suzanna’s punctured BBL to explode all over the teeny bags of floss that we passive aggressively hand out to this ungrateful town with bad gum health.
We’re laughing, of course, but that’s the nitrous oxide. Beneath the surface, we’re under a lot of stress – and we’re worried about your gums.
To make matters worse, the elevator has been down this week (as well as the 4 years before) so we had to roll the tank down the stairs. Unfortunately, it crushed Lorraine from Accounting’s foot, and now her feet are just as flat as Suzanna’s ass.
We do not provide worker’s comp anymore. Our money is tied up in the exotic-yet-illegal fish industry, and in a painfully unrelenting, years-long lawsuit with PETA.
To press 4, please press 9.
Once again, please do NOT press 4. It does the same thing as 9.
To speak with someone real, which you could have done earlier by having the audacity to advocate for yourself, please press 0. Do not yell at me, for I am but a sweet, small town auto-attendant greeting who moved to the city with big dreams of being a Broadway star and is just trying to make ends meet between auditions. Suzanna used to be so thick-skinned with complaints.
To donate to our GoFundMe, please press #. After the tank steamrolled clean over Lorraine’s bunioned toes and onto the street level, our gas tank distribution guy Ricky stopped by to pick up the empty tank. Unfortunately he dropped it on his own head while loading it into his truck, and he’s been knocked unconscious since.
We would check his pulse, but we’re only dentists. The bad news is truly never ending. Ricky didn’t even get to awooga at Suzanna’s once-tucked ass, which stood strong and mighty as Mount Rushmore, if Mount Rushmore was two perfect, patriotic buttocks.
If you’re worried about us not having nitrous oxide for your upcoming root canal, don't worry: we tried an order with a new potential vendor, Temu. Only one customer review said the tank they received was carbon monoxide, so we’re 99.99% certain it’s not going to be carbon monoxide.
To ask how Suzannah is, please listen carefully to the following. She’s still alive, but coping with the consequences of having a life-altering ass. Consequences we have all now suffered. Let this be a warning to all seeking artificial, unearned ass enhancement.
Your feedback could not be less important at a time like this, but we crave external validation. Please remain on the line to complete a customer satisfaction survey.
Thank you for again calling Crown Family Dentists. To repeat this menu, which we are updating in real time as the horrors persist, please hang up and dial this number again, for ‘ol times sake.
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Not to make things so cinematic, but my life is a mental health documentary MOVIE and here is a teaser:
Come see the live comedy show Death Threat (ticket link), written and performed by Rima Parikh.
The show features Noah Rocklin and will open with standup by Pooja Reddy.
It’s directed by some freak.
AT CAVEAT ON MONDAY, APRIL 28, AT 9:30 PM EST
21 A Clinton St, New York, NY 10002
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Thank you for reading, and reminder to always wear a helmet! Even when you’re not on a bike!